Broken Peace

It's been a whiiiiiile since my last blog, and so much has changed. Well , not so much as much as something very big has changed. I'm now single and have been for the past week. I wont say too much about the situation, but know that it was a hard thing to do, I still have strong feelings, and it still hurts. I had been praying about my decision since July, but I strongly felt like this is what God wanted me to do. It just sucks because I hurt him and myself in the process and I never wanted to do any of that. In my heart and prayers I pray that we get back together, but what's more important is that I give this to God. I've been praying mainly that God would change my heart in this and make me understand that what He has for me is going to be the best, so I need to let Him take care of me. I also need to spend this time growing closer to Him. That is why I know good came out of this, is because my whole thought through this was "all I want to do right now is to get closer to God" and I have never had that real drive before. I want to study the great Godly women in the Bible and learn from them and I want to be like them. The thing I keep remember is that no matter how much I'm in tears or missing him (my ex) God is right there with me through this messiness. That's what keeps me going.

I've been asking my friends for prayer and advice and here's what the two main things have been: Stay busy and pray about it. Now while I have been praying about it like crazy, I find staying busy has been back firing on me. I find that when I spend all my time trying to ignore the hurt, that is when it over takes me. It would be like ignore the warning signs for an incoming storm, and then still going out sailing. Sooner or later, it will catch up to you.

What I can say has worked for me is time mainly. Even if today I feel at my lowest, it's still one more day closer to when I can have closure with this one way or another. Time and grieving. I need to let the storm in my life rage so the weather can clear up. Sometimes I just have to let myself cry all night until I fall asleep so I can get it out of me . . . for now. There is something about wailing with every piece of your soul that is so real. It's usually the times when I take my eyes off of God, when I feel the crappiest. It's been good training to turn my attention back to where it REALLY matters, and that's on Him.

Even though I am so sad and I miss being with him and think about him and what could have been, "did I really make the right choice", all those thoughts that stir in me, I know that God knew this would happen, and He knows what he is doing. Who am I to not trust that?