Broken Peace

It's been a whiiiiiile since my last blog, and so much has changed. Well , not so much as much as something very big has changed. I'm now single and have been for the past week. I wont say too much about the situation, but know that it was a hard thing to do, I still have strong feelings, and it still hurts. I had been praying about my decision since July, but I strongly felt like this is what God wanted me to do. It just sucks because I hurt him and myself in the process and I never wanted to do any of that. In my heart and prayers I pray that we get back together, but what's more important is that I give this to God. I've been praying mainly that God would change my heart in this and make me understand that what He has for me is going to be the best, so I need to let Him take care of me. I also need to spend this time growing closer to Him. That is why I know good came out of this, is because my whole thought through this was "all I want to do right now is to get closer to God" and I have never had that real drive before. I want to study the great Godly women in the Bible and learn from them and I want to be like them. The thing I keep remember is that no matter how much I'm in tears or missing him (my ex) God is right there with me through this messiness. That's what keeps me going.

I've been asking my friends for prayer and advice and here's what the two main things have been: Stay busy and pray about it. Now while I have been praying about it like crazy, I find staying busy has been back firing on me. I find that when I spend all my time trying to ignore the hurt, that is when it over takes me. It would be like ignore the warning signs for an incoming storm, and then still going out sailing. Sooner or later, it will catch up to you.

What I can say has worked for me is time mainly. Even if today I feel at my lowest, it's still one more day closer to when I can have closure with this one way or another. Time and grieving. I need to let the storm in my life rage so the weather can clear up. Sometimes I just have to let myself cry all night until I fall asleep so I can get it out of me . . . for now. There is something about wailing with every piece of your soul that is so real. It's usually the times when I take my eyes off of God, when I feel the crappiest. It's been good training to turn my attention back to where it REALLY matters, and that's on Him.

Even though I am so sad and I miss being with him and think about him and what could have been, "did I really make the right choice", all those thoughts that stir in me, I know that God knew this would happen, and He knows what he is doing. Who am I to not trust that?

Dry swimming

Since it's been a while and no one reads these things anyways, I thought I would write a quick one today. It's more for me anyways to look back on my life and reflect at what a major crazy-head I was:)

Okay so I've been with my boyfriend now for over a year and a half and really am feeling like I could spend my life with him. My problem is this, I hear people talk about how you should practice for marriage in a dating relationship, yet I hear others say that you should enjoy being single. Okay someone explain that one to me. How the heck do you enjoy being single while practicing for marriage? That's like don't get while swimming in a pool. Maybe I'm thinking about it all wrong and they can be inclusive of one another? If you have any advice I would love to know:)

Thanks

m perdickament

Alright, well my recent upset has been due to the fact that people are insensitive jerks who don't know where to stop. Now you're probably thinking, "oh they doesn't mean it" or "oh that's just how they is" or (my favorite) "if they didn't like you, then they wouldn't tease you". Ok that was alright in the second and third grade when it was a boy who hit you because they liked you, but grown people? People who are smart (so they seem) with careers and a family? Aren't we a little old for that? By other people making excuses for those people does not make it alright or make it less hurtful than it is.

What kills me the most is how hard I've been trying with them. I have been nothing but nice since day one and they have either A. spoken down to me like I'm stupid and don't know what I'm talking about, B. I some how volunteered or gave the impression that I enjoy being teased, C. That it's funny and no hard feelings. Ok at first it was nothing personal and I brushed it off, but after almost eight months really? You would think that the person would have let off or at least attempted to communicate with me in some other way that doesn't involve making fun of me. It's beyond old and now they're kick a dead horse. The joke is long over so put a fork in it, it's done!!! I can't try anymore with this person and I'm done trying too. If the only way we can talk is by quietly bashing on each other then were doomed to end up like this.

Now if it was as easy as just separating myself from said person, I would have a long time ago. But unfortunately, I'm bond to interact with them. You see this person is related to my boyfriend, so they're not going anywhere. And I love my boyfriend, so I would like to stay together for a while with him. And there in lays the problem. What scares me is this happened before, where the family and especially the sister of my boyfriend at the time hated me. And that eventually broke us up. Now I'm so terrified that this situation is going to repeat itself. Or worse that the family member will turn everyone against me. I can't speak for this person, seeing as I thought they were decent, but I don't think that will happen. Then again, I also thought this wouldn't happen.

"Well why don't you just talk to them? Or have you told them how you feel?" Oh yea, it's no surprise that the teasing was unwelcome. They know this. I even wrote them an e-mail after this last straw, and of course, no apology, not even "I'm sorry if you feel that way but . . ." It was nothing, just one line that pretty much said "I'm right so get used to it." I can't remember the last time I was this steamed to where I couldn't get it out of my head. I'm usually over things like this pretty quick, but no. Here I am wasting half of my day rewinding and playing what they said to me.

It's funny what your minds brings up to help calm you down, or maybe it's God taking care of me, but I just remembered when I was in 6th grade at outdoor school (it's a camp that your whole class goes to for a week and learns about the environment and stuff). Anyways, it was our beach day and we had just gotten there when this kid in my class named Casey came over to me and put a dead fish that he had found on top of my head and had the rest of the class laugh at me. I got mad and threw the fish back at him, and this girl named Cynthia stepped in and said "why did you do that?!" (like I had done something wrong). I don't know what else was said, but it exploded into my first and only fist fight with anyone, ever! The counselors had to pull us apart and I ran off crying. He finally calmed me down and asked me what had happened. I told him that I had been nothing but nice to these people and they still teased me. He then said something that I forgot how important it was until just now. He said, "You don't have to like everyone".

Sometimes I forget that and how important and impossible it is. It is not possible to get along or please everyone that you know. I don't like this person, I'm not going to lie in my own blog. That is the one place where I can and am allowed be honest darn it!!! And they probably don't like me, and that's ok. We don't have to like each other, but we're putting my boyfriend in a terrible spot and I don't want that either. As of right now, nothing will and can be done but space on both our parts and I'm more than ok with that.

FLDS

I recently had to write a paper on a culture group of my choice, to which I chose the Fundamental Latter Day Saints, of the FLDS. My blog is not to create anger towards myself or any member of the Mormon religion, but to stress how badly these people need the Lord. If you would like to watch the video here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-iIOWOblW0 . Living Hope Ministries is a great resource for anyone looking for incite and facts about the Mormon church.

WOW, wow . . . wow

So as I was going through this jewlery catalog I just got in the mail and was browsing through the pages. I was looking at this one page and there it was. Plan as day. The EXTACT ring I had bought for and given to my ex boyfriend four days before we broke up. Oh it gets better. Not olny did he lead me on during that whole time, saying "I love you", I was the one who had to call him and ask what was going on because he was sooo distant. On top of all that, it was the day before I was due to sail out to Catalina and work for nine months at camp. REALLY?! I did not need to see that. I was happy to forget about him and all that he had done to me. I learned so much from that relationship ending and am soooo glad that we are not together anymore, but I dont need to have my past thrown into my face. And what am I supposed to do with the old promise rings I still have? I don't want them, but I don't want to get rid of them. I want to barry it somewhere where someone will find it and I'll never know and they'll be happier for it. That's what I want. I'm going to go camping and leave them there. Maybe I'll leave them at camp the next time I head out there. Now I'm with my new boyfriend of 3 and a half months and it's making me scared for our relationship, I mean none of us know the future and that could happen to us. I need to put my happiness and faith in God and myself alone. I need to think about me and not to depend on a senario that may never happen. I hate that past relationships have had this negative film now carrying over to my new boyfriend. I love him, a lot. But I also loved those guys too. Past tense here, but still it could happen again. At the end of the line, day, road, whatever I just need to be happy with me and follow God and do what I need to do. Now I'm upset and he shouldn't have that power over me. This week I get rid of the last of past relationships. I HAVE to do something with the rings, but more importantly, I give Glenn the USMC Marine sweat pants I've still had this whole time. It's time to really put it all behind me and say goodbye to them. They are part of my past now, and thats all. It's ok to let go sometimes, maybe thats my new years goal, to let go of things that Im still holding on to. I also need to treat and take care of my heart better. I need to gaurd it carefully, even though it's been given to Glenn. I just need to forget, but still remember that it could happen to us. I've been through this "He's the one" bit and have it broken apart. I don't want that. I know that God's got my back and someone amazing is going to be there for me to be with me in marrage and I'm learning what I need to learn in the relationship for a reason. Whatever happens is going to happen anyway so why stop it? I sjould just enjoy the ride and love God. That's all you really can do. Life is a journey, not a destination. You only get one life, one short time to spend on this Earth so make it count. Life is a crazy ride, and no one makes it out alive.

Don't forget about me.

Ok seriously, what the heck?! I feel like everyone is moving on in their lives and getting married and having babies. Everyone except ME!!! What in the heck. I want that, well first I want to graduate with my nursing degree, but I want to get married. It gets so discouraging when I hear about my friends, and they totally deserve it, but when is it going to be my turn you know???? Ugh, I hate this.
You know like when your little and you KNOW what you'll be doing when you're older? Like you'll know when you'll get married, how it will be, when and where you'll go to school, how old you'll be when you graduate. Then you'll move and live happily ever after. . . and then you get older and you realize, not so much. I feel like that now. And can I ask? What is the point of an A.A. degree? Like really? I can't do anything with it. It's a glorified diploma if you ask me. Just where I am now it seems like I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I don't want to work at some "job" and make what I make. I want to make a difference in peoples lives. I want to get out into the world and see it before I get too swept up in it. I want to learn things and do things, that not many people get the chance to do. I know right now I must sound like so little spoiled kid complaining to their daddy that they want it NOW!!! And maybe that's what God is teaching me, to be pacient and happy where I am. He knows what he's doing and I don't think I'll move forward until I can grasp that and be ok with it. Not just ok, but Really happy where I'm at. I do have a great life and I'm very happy I know that, I just need to be reminded of that fact.

My Birthday

First post: Huzah!!!
Well since I'm in one of those moods where you're soooo tired right up until you get into bed snuggled up to your stuff-y of choice and then . . .NOTHING. I swear I can not sleep. I think it's because my brain know that I'm off for the next two days, so it figures I can make it up between now and then. Anyways, with all this time on my hands I start thinking (and browsing) as to what pray tell I might just be doing to celebrate my day of birth. And then it hit me like . . . ummm . . . bird poop, Sea World!!! Not any old trip will do, but I want the full deal since I'll be one year older, and hopefully wiser:) So I found this mother's blog about how she took her two daughters to do this attraction. They got to prepare food for the day, be in the dolphin show, interact with Seal/Sea Lions (ten points if you can tell me one differance between the two), and hang out with Shamu, and SWIM WITH THE DOLPHINS!!! I'm so stoked, I can't wait. And of course it's going to cost me about 500 dollars (technically 495, but I round up), but since I'm about six months early, Ill have plenty of time to save up for the whole trip down there. I figure 30 bucks every week ought to do the trick (30*20, for those of you who are visual learners:). Even though it's going to be a lot, it really is so worth it. Then I figure I can visit friends in the area and maybe make a weekend out of it. I lucked out and my birthday is on a Friday (SWEET!).
In other news, aparently I'm not the only one up. I just heard my mom downstairs set the alarm. I think she is hittin' the hay, which is something I should think about doing. It's hard when I have sooo much going on in my head. Maybe I'll go T.P. someone's car . . . by myself . . . on a Monday night . . . wow that sounds lame when you read it like that. Speaking of which I start school in a week. A week people! Anatomy/physiology with lab six unit class (oh joy) and a easy A personal Health tele/video class. I orignally took it last semester when I was on the island, but dropped it because I thought it was online, whoops.
Oh yea, for those of you who aren't in the "know" I worked at a year round marine Biology/ecology Christian camp on Catalina Island from ladt March to October 30th. I was sooo planning on going back after the winter season, but things hapened with managment plus school so I decided not to go, which really I want to go back for the people I was working with (minus a few, but thats everywhere). And NO ONE is coming back next year, so there really is no point. Well see if I can continue to adjust to "normal-ness". Yea, that's not a real word, but you couldn't tell me the differance between a Seal and Seal Lion (and not it's not that one has "Lion" in their name). Here's your Marine Bio. lesson for today, this ones on me.
Sea Lion males get up to be 800lbs/ females 300lbs.
Seal males and females are both around 300lbs.
Sea Lions have ear flaps.
Seals don't.
Sea Lions can sit up on their front flippers and walk out of water.
Seals can't sit up and "scoot" to move out of the water.
Seals Lions use their front flippers to swim.
Seals use there back flippers.